WHAT I LEARN FROM STAR WARS 

1.Never trust men in dark helmets. 

2. It really isn't necessary to be fluent in over 6 million forms of communication. 

3.When all else fails....jump! 

4.Sometimes, you've just gotta do something that seems totally suicidal. 

5.If you are a young hero, nothing can kill you. 

6.Always check the background of people you want to get intimately involved with, they may be your relatives. 

7.You may have family members in surprisingly high positions. 

8.Before you kill someone make sure they aren't your father. 

9.Watch out for Corellian freighters diving out of the sun. 

10.Know the difference between power socket and a computer terminal. 

11.THIS one goes here, THAT one goes there! 

12.No matter how tasty that hunk of meat looks on that pole on that forest moon, don't grab it; it's probably a trap. (Or when you see a piece of dead meat impaled on a stake in the woods, LEAVE IT!!!!!!!!!) 

13.Cute, cuddly, widdle teddy bears usually will eat you alive unless you can prove you're a god. 

14.Never stand on a trapdoor leading to a Rancor pit. 

15.No disintegrations. 

16.If you're running from the law, hide in a building and lock the door. They may decide 
to move on to the next one. Otherwise, hope they don't have blasters. 

17.If it's, like, -50 degrees out, and the doors are going to close, come in out of the cold. 
The meteor will still be there tomorrow. 

18.Take a good look around for bad guys before looking into your binoculars. 

19.Fire on a rebel base *before* they blow up your space station. 

20.Don't assume a senior citizen is weak and frail; they may zap you with lightning bolts. 

21.Never, never, never underestimate the power of the Dark Side 

22.You will find many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view 

23.No matter how deeply one falls into darkness, there is always hope for redemption 

24.Just when you think there is no more hope, alas, there is one more. 

25.Never judge a "piece of junk" spaceship from the outside. More often than not, "she's got it where it counts." 

26.Your eyes deceive you, don't trust them. 

27.The Bad Guys can't hit the broad side of a barn. 

28.Beware of judging someone else's beliefs as just a "hokey religion." You just may end up eating those words. 

29.Never buy anything from a short, hooded, smelly guy. 

30.It's never my fault. 

31.Never judge anything by its size. 

32.There are those who are less forgiving than Darth Vader. 

33.Always let a Wookie win. 

34.Never cast your lightsaber away, you just might need it 

35.It not a good idea to follow up on a vision while meditating 

36.Nothing is ever to small to get away from you (R2 in ANH) 

37.Whining about something never helps (Toshi Station in ANH) 

38.Taking your droids to a bar will only arouse suspicion (ANH) 

39.Don't leave your food out for others to eat (ROTJ) 

40.Don't attempt to handcuff someone larger than you (Chewie in ANH) 

41.It is not always necessary to ignore the annoying (3PO in ESB) 

42.Always pay off your debts in a hurry 

43.If your in it just for the money, you might blow your chances with the princess 

44.It is pointless to argue with family members (Owen in ANH) 

45.In negotiations, a thermal detonator can come in handy 

46.Be cautious of "friends" offering refreshments 

47.If some yells out "It's a trap!" then believe them 

48.DON'T go in any CAVES! 

49.Watch your hands when swordfighting. 

50.Short green guys with big ears can be more than they seem. 

51.Wading around in a pool of garbage is infinitely more preferable to getting killed. 

52.Electricity really *hurts*. 

53.The most important part of your spaceship is the hyperdrive. 

54.Maybe we SHOULD listen to the protocol droid just this once... 

55.Pay your debts on time, you can't always kill the bill collector. 

56.Walk in single file to hide your numbers. 

57.When buying used appliances make sure they've been totally mind wiped... er... reconditioned. 

58.When wearing stormtrooper armor, remember to make sure the door's completely open before going through it. 

59.Trust yourself. 

60.Never tell someone the odds! 

61.Never allow yourself to become as clumsy as you are stupid. 

62.Always accept apologies. 

63.When offered promotion under duress, it might be wise to make like a tree and get outta there! 

64.Never trust a spokesman for an alcoholic malt beverage. (Or: Don't trust people who appear in Colt .45 commercials.
Or: NEVER accept an invitation to have a drink or eat with MR. Colt 45 himself--it may just be a setup.) 

65.Hokey religions just might be a good substitute for a blaster at your side 

66.Never let your friend know if you're having problems with your droid. 

67.Never assume that carbonating someone is "all too easy". 

68.Never tell strange creatures in a bar that you'll be careful. 

69.Just when you think you're ready, you hit your head. 

70.When you protest about the terms of an agreement, the terms might be altered further. 

71.You never know what a day is gonna bring.... 

72.After spending several months in deep-frost, your vision will be blurry 

73.When in doubt, follow the garbage 

74.Size matters not (now there's one you can use in real life!) 

75."Try not. Do or do not. There is no try." 

76."Mind what you have learned, save you it can." 

77.Even if it's a great shot, don't get cocky. 

78.Don't intimidate, annoy, or otherwise attack any kind of old man, or his friends, who has what appears to be a flashlight hanging from his waist. 

79.Never build a secret base in cold, arctic regions 

80.Be prepared for things to go wrong 

81.Never let a protocol droid try to fix your ship!!!! 

82.Never trust a strange computer. 

83.You'll always have a bad feeling about something 

84.Don't park in asteroids 


85.Bacta cures all 

86.Don't try to make friends via the Death Star com-link (Han Solo only) 

87.Never proclaim your "moment of triumph" before it actually happens 

88.If "the Force is strong in this one" and you're not, BACK OFF! 

89.The targeting computer is really a worthless piece of junk compared to the Force 

90.The Dark Side is never irrevocable 

91.Never say "watch this" when dealing with a hyperdrive 

92.When bragging about how fast your car is, tell how many "kilometers" you did the DC run in..... 

93.Always change the negative power coupling before going on long space voyages. 

94.Remember to TURN ON YOUR COMLINK!!!! 

95.Don't shoot out the controls to a bridge BEFORE you cross the bridge 

96.Make sure to tell your lover that you have a brother first. 

97.Never tell a teacher who's been teaching for 800 years who to teach and who not to teach. 

98."It's not my fault!!!" 

99.Don't ever fake left, you'll lose a hand 

100.If you want to keep your friends warm, shove them inside a dead animal!! 

101.Never leave tools hanging over a friends head unless the ship is parked. 

102.If a droid sneaks up on you while you're kissing a princess, ignore him. 

103.When parking your spaceship, make sure you aren't in the stomach of a huge worm-like monster. 

104.If all else fails, angle the deflector shields. 

105.Never buy droids. 

106.If you ever buy droids, make sure they have a good motivator 


107.If a R2 unit proves to have a bad motivator, do not buy another one 

108.If you really have to buy one, then do NOT remove his restraining bolt 

109.If, in spite of all that, you have removed the restraining bolt, then you will have to 
learn the ways of the Force and become a Jedi like your father (even if you only wanted 
to be a mere space pilot) 

110.Guys in black are bad guys 

111.Guys in white can also be bad guys (in this case, they are called stormtroopers) 

112.Beware of transparent or holographic persons, they will always cause you trouble ("This droid must be safely delivered to Alderaan", "You will go to the Dagobah system", "The son of Skywalker must not become a Jedi", ...) 

113.Watch out for those trees. 

114.After toppling an altruistic democracy, seizing control of the military, and establishing yourself as supreme dictator, it's a good idea to invest in helmets that your troops can see through. 

115.Always duck after throwing someone down a ventilation shaft. 

116.If you run a military academy, go over how to deal with small, furry opponents. 

117.Don't jump down garbage chutes. 

118.If your father's clothes creak when he walks, be diplomatic in his presence. 

119.Don't engage in physical displays of affection with tall, hairy people who could rip you limb from limb and who get over-enthusiastic. 

120.The hard part of a jail-break is getting out; plan for it. 

121.Always look for trap doors when consulting with a crime lord in his own house. 

122.Whining about power converters makes you look like an idiot. 

123.Don't trust people who brag about the speed of their vehicle to be subtle, and don't trust them with your sister, either. 

124.If you teach out of a swamp, you can't expect too much in the way of tuition. 

125.People who are "more machine now than human, evil and twisted" set a pretty sparse table. 

126.If you're idea of penetrating the enemy's defenses is allowing yourself to be captured and attacking during your execution, you should probably seek the advice of someone who's survived longer. 

127.If somebody cuts your hand off, don't trust him to betray his boss for you. 

128.Young men should be wary of getting involved with crazy, old hermits who like to be called "Master." 

129.Dead animals usually smell worse on the INSIDE 

130.If you find Banthas, don't stick around to see where their riders are. 

131.Cold weather can cause one to hallucinate. 

132.Don't go chasing falling meteors. 

133.Make sure you always see where your enemies hands are (Greedo in ANH) 

134.Blowing on a torch will not put it out. 

135.Don't stick around to watch a fight 

136.Droids don't taste good. 

137.Don't use technology you don't understand (Ewoks w/ AT-ST, speeder bike) 

138.No matter how protected you are, falling rocks will still hurt. 

139.When following a roguish space pirate into the east corridor (or wherever), step onto a plank when he stops to listen to you so you'll be a little taller. 

140.Never trust strangers to fix the hyperdrive on your freighter. 

141.Never assume that that a ship you just tractored into your space station is empty, just 
because your sensors say so. 

142.When the people around you are getting shot, it's usually an indication that the guys shooting are bad guys. (take a look at the reactions of the troopers in the cell bay in ANH) 

143.Never try to rationalize strategy with an Ewok. Next thing you know, they'll steal a speeder bike. Sure, it distracts the guards, but it takes away from you sneaking in real quiet-like. 

144.Never chain a rebel to you and then take your eyes off her; she may throttle you. 
145.Aim your crippled fighter at the nearest Super Star Destroyer's bridge. 

146.Never assume responsibility if it means you're likely to be choked to death. 

147.That green glob your aunt serves you at dinner is good for you (ANH). 

148.Don't talk to strangers in a dark room: they may have blasters, and are looking to not 
be found (ESB). 

149.Pray Lord Vader doesn't alter a deal any further than he already has. Chances are he will, but arguing is a good way to get you killed. 

150.When your Tauntaun smells something, it's usually a good time to high-tail it outta there. 

151.Always convince your astromech droid to not try restraining green senior citizens with big ears; they may start banging on you with their Gimer stick. 

152.When someone says they knew your father was a great warrior, it usually means something important. Take notice: they just gave you one hell of a big hint about who they are. (sheesh, these farmboys today...) 

153.Always allow your opponent to cut you down if it means making things more dramatic. 

154.When said guy gets cut down, try not to stand around screaming. Try blasting something... like a door. 

155.Don't turn your back on the parent of the kid you're zapping with lightning bolts. 

156.If the guy you love announces he's leaving, don't say something like "That's right." 

157.Make sure you aren't so fat you can't get away from an exploding Sail Barge. 

158.If your translator droid pisses you off, just plug him into the hyperdrive. Either that or just shut him off. 

159.Try not to fly side-by-side when flying through a narrow passage. (ANH & ESB) 

160.If you've got a malfunction you can't do much good to anyone, so clear out of the attack on that giant space station. 

161.When someone tells you to eject, it's probably a good idea. 

162.Never try to blast a garbage compactor's walls---they are magnetically sealed!!!!! 

163.I'd just as soon kiss a Wookie!!! 

164.Don't ever leave without giving a goodbye kiss!!!!! 

165.Let go of your conscious self and rely on instinct!!!! 

166.The target area is ONLY two meters wide!!!!! 

167.If a Jedi offers you a bargain, TAKE IT!! 

168.You shouldn't always listen to your parents. 

169.Sometimes it is smart to listen to little green Muppets. 

170.You really should fire on lifepods whether there are signs of life or not (to stormtroopers only). 

171.When a Hutt tells you that your Jedi mind tricks won't work, believe him. 

172.When you say that you are "ready for anything," actually be ready for anything (like two guys trying to pick a fight). 

173.If your ship is bigger than a city, don't bring it into an asteroid field. 

174.Don't give into your anger. 

175.Grasping at your throat will not stop the choking. 

176.Freezing people in liquid carbonite makes a good wall decoration. 

177.Never torture a power droid... 

178.You should always have a co-pilot that speaks a language that only you understand. 

179.Don't taunt those on the Dark Side of the Force. 

180.Sometimes it is better not to apologize or take the blame. 

181.Make sure that you can see clearly before firing a blaster. 

182.When pulled over by "the man", simply say, you don't need to see his identification. These aren't the droids you're looking for. Move along. It works everytime, I guarantee it!!! 

183.If you ever build a throne room, NEVER put a great big shaft leading to a big nuclear reactor right in the center of the room. 
184.Never make your droids OR your sister do your dirty work!!! 

185."A party of two can be very effective in chasing down a squad of stormtroopers." 

186.When you are told to close the blast doors, DON'T DO IT!" 

187."Away put your weapon, I mean you no harm." 

188.When rescuing someone formulate an escape plan _before_ you attempt the rescue. 

189.No reward is worth rescuing a girl, princess or not, who leads you into garbage and calls your best friend and first mate a "walking carpet". 

190.If you have the money, stop telling Jabba and just pay him 

191.Never accept a job that reports directly to Darth Vader 

192.Armor just makes you easier to hit 

193.Get in that chute, flyboy! 

194.Buying someone a drink won't stop them from trying to fight you 

195.Don't judge someone by their bad grammar 

196.An entire planet could have only one climate (Tatooine, Hoth, Endor) 

197.Beware of tremors in the Force 

198.Protocol droids are lousy story tellers 

199.Apparently one human would be able to feed an entire tribe of Ewoks 

200.It's difficult to send a clear transmission in an asteroid field 

201.When traveling at intense speeds, don't turn around and look behind you 

202.A lightsaber can cut through anything (from Taun-taun to AT-AT) 

203.Even in a galaxy far, far away... Tupperware is still being used (ANH) 

204.Try not to get caught under the legs of an AT-AT 

205.Imperial probe droids have a self destruct mechanism 

206.If you do not believe, you will always fail 


207.Tennis shoes make great fighting ships (ROTJ) 

208.Stormtroopers seem to have inferior training and armor 

209.Everything has a weakness, it's just a matter of exploiting it 
Emperor - overconfident 
Luke - friends 
Death Star - thermal exhaust port 
Stormtroppers - Ewoks 
Star Destroyers - bridge deflector shields 
Darth Vader - compassion for his kids 
Leia - smugglers 
Chewie - dead animals hanging from trees 
Threepio - frail body 

210.When flying objects come at you from behind, for Pete's sake, DUCK!!!!!! 

211.When stealing a skiff, MAKE SURE it's the one with the magnetic thingies on the bottom!!! 

212.If you are ever in a duel, and you get in a tight spot, grab the nearest pipe and blow smoke in their face-----never fails. 

213.Learn Ubese, you never know when you might need it!!!! 

214.NEVER try to put binders on someone who is 7'2", big, furry and has big teeth!!! 

215.If you get an unwanted phone call, shoot the phone. 

216.Never let Mr. GQ smooth borrows your vehicle, especially after he says not a scratch. 

217.If you build a death star and some farm boy blows it up, just build a new one!!!!!!! 

218.If you see a small blue elephant at a party, you haven't necessarily drunk too much. 

219.Watch out for stormtroopers that are a little short. 

220.Your Tauntaun'll freeze before you reach the first marker. 

221....But if so, then I'll see you in hell! 

222.The middle of a raging battle for the fate of the galaxy is no time for heroics. 

223.A ill-trained, uncoordinated, rabble with obsolete ships and weapons (Rebels) would always beat well-equipped, superbly trained and numerically superior forces (Empire) :) 

224.Boys from backwater farming planets are better shots then imperial stormtroopers. 

225.When 900 years old you reach, look as good you will not. 

226.Beware those heart-to-heart talks with Dad. One of you might end up losing an appendage. 

227.When sending troops out to a jungle world, MAKE SURE they are all wearing black and white, so nobody can see them. 

228.Adventure, excitement, a Jedi craves not these things! 

229.Try not to look to the future, keep your mind on where you are and what you are doing. 

230.Don't ever give any lip to an old man who has yellow eyes and shoots lightning out of his own body. 

231.Never say to someone, "where are you taking this---THING---?" b/c the next thing you know, you're flying across the room. 

232.Stay on target!!!! 

233.Keep your distance, but don't LOOK like you're trying to keep your distance. (In other words, fly casual.) 

234.When purchasing a protocol droid, remember, at some point some assembly may be required. 

235.When based on an ice planet, don't turn on the thermal heaters. 

236."Never travel the Jundland Wastes lightly" 

237."Never listen to your squad commander when he tells you to 'stay on target' and Darth Vader is chasing you in a TIE fighter" 

238."If you are a droid, be sure to have you deactivator put on your front side, not behind 
your neck" 

239."Always follow the advice of an aide with long sideburns" 

240.Make sure your first catch of the day isn't backed up by a really big ion cannon. 

241.Don't be thinking about your sister during a big fight with Dad. 

242.Make sure your rocket pack isn't set to go off at the slightest touch before leaping into battle. 

243.When you're with a woman you like, never get too obnoxious, or she'll French the 
next nearest guy (even if it's her brother). 

244.No matter how cool a guy's helmet looks, push him off a high place and he'll scream like a girl. 

245."Travel through hyperspace ain't like dusting crops." 

246.Bury your feelings deep. (They do you credit, but they could be made to serve the Emperor.) 

247.Your insight serves you well. 

248.Try to keep a little optimism--especially if you're endangering a mission that you shouldn't have come on. 

249.Just "hold on" when your pilot tells you to. (Dak didn't hold on. Look what happened to him!) 

250.Remember, your strength *flows* from the Force. 

251.Once you start down the Dark Path, forever will it dominate your destiny. 

252.You can't escape your destiny 

253.If you buy equipment out of the back of a guy's vehicle, chances are, someone will come looking for it. 

254.Cool costume + Bare minimum of screen time = Eternal popularity 

255.The only thing worse than working for a Hutt crime lord is working for a Dark Lord of the Sith. 

256.When rescuing a princess, insist on payment in advance. 

257.When chasing X-wings down trenches, look behind you in case their friends help them. 

258.When a Wookiee says he smells something scary, believe him. 

259.Fly only ships that have harpoon cable shooters in the front (ESB) 

260.Be sure your ship uses "quick release" seat belts (ESB) 

261.Fly only X-wings that float in case you land in a swamp (ESB) 

262.Do your explaining BEFORE you remove the handcuffs off of a Wookiee (ESB) 

263.Fly your speeder bike ABOVE the trees in a forest (ROTJ) 

264.Leave the spying to Bothans (ROTJ) 

265.Old Jedi never die, they just fade away. 

266.Never scream when a friend evaporates, and you're trying to secretly take it back to a smugglers ship. 

267.You must do what you feel is right. 

268.Watch that crossfire, boys!!! 

269.Always get them to put their hands ON the table . . . . 

270.Go to the escape shuttle when told that "The attack plan has been analyzed, and there is a risk". 

271.Smuggling compartments can also be great sub-lets 

272.Patience... you must have Patience! 

273.Sticks and Stones WILL Break your bones. (ROTJ) 

274.Nothing can happen without a Bothan spy dying 

275.These ARE the droids you are looking for, you idiots! 

276.If you ever fall into a murky swamp with strange things swimming in it, make sure you're made of metal. 

277.Sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers, and they are rather inaccurate with blasters. 

278.Remember to keep the lead actress's character and real name straight!! 

279.You must feel the Force flowing through you. Let go of your feelings. 

280.When attempting to launch a rock by twirling it over your head, then leasing it, be sure you know how to do it right (note to Wicket in ROTJ). 


281.Those robot mice are pests. Trap them in mousetraps and save yourself the hassle. Bits and bytes make good bait. 

282.Even if the Old Man does tell you to leave his throne room, it's usually a good idea to stick around, out of sight: you never know when someone will throw him down a large shaft. (note to Royal Guards) 

283.Don't try storming an Imperial base unless all of the troopers have been accounted for. 

284.Don't argue with your friends when they tell you to get into an escape pod. 

285.Don't use targeting computers; rely on the voice of an old man inside our head. 

286.When fighting a Corellian, 10 to 1 odds aren't in your favor (ANH). 

287.When your protocol droid tries to tell you there is something wrong with your YT-1300 freighter, listen to them. 

288.If all else fails, drive headlong into an asteroid field. 

289.When your shield generator is hit, intensify forward shields a.s.a.p.: you never know when a ship may crash into your bridge. 

290.Get on board the Executor if possible. Chances are Lord Vader will choke your superior to death and give you the job. 


291.A protocol droid who say's he's not much of a storyteller is a liar. (remember C-3PO in ANH when he's in the oil bath, then in the Ewok village in ROTJ) 

292.Make sexually tilted lines whenever possible. "Look at the size of that thing!" 

293.Adjoinder: Cut the chatter, Red Two. 

294.Humans roasted over an open fire make for great feasts. 

295.When two real scary guys in a bar (who look like they fell out of the ugly tree and hit EVERY branch on the way down) tell you they don't like you, RUN!!!!!!! 

296.Wampas blend in really, really well with snow. 

297.You should always listen to a Jedi Master when they tell you something; they probably know what they are talking about. 

298.Corollary to above--Even Jedi can make mistakes sometimes. 

299.Pass on what you have learned 

300.If you want someone done right, terminate her yourself. 

301.It is impossible for a computer to hit a target that is only two meters wide. 

302.Don't EVER go into a hole because if it gets mad enough it might just try to EAT you. 

303.Even if your walker looks exactly like all the rest, the Ewoks won't kill you. 

304.It's a good idea to make Death Stars out of the same "magnetically shielded" walls in the garbage compactor. 

305.Intensify forward batteries *before* the A-wing crashes into the bridge. 

306.If you're struck down now, you'll only become more powerful than can possibly be imagined! 

307.Enter the trench as close to the target as possible! Don't fly all the way around shooting it out! 

308.Iguanas and boa constrictors live on Dagobah too! 

309.You don't need tools to fix a protocol droid that has been blasted to pieces. 

310.Take an R-2 unit with you...its better than any Swiss army knife. 

311.Shoot the barge at point blank while you are standing on it...don't use the force to pull the trigger. 

312.Never buy droids from Jawas 

313.He's no good to you dead. 

314.Don't enter strange rooms just because you hear a familiar voice...you could end up in pieces. 

315.There isn't always time to discuss things in a committee. 

316.Sometimes all it takes is one little rock-and a Jedi-to bring down a rancor.

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