"HOW EPISODE VII WILL OPEN" by Andy Piantanida

{Note: This scene is where Episode VI ("Return of the Jedi") closed.}

YODA: Done well, we have. Managed to preserve the lineage of Anakin, and use this to defeat the entire Empire, we have.

OBI-WAN: Speaking of which, Luke should be on his knees right now, thanking his Grandpa Midi-Chlorian for this turn of events. Maybe he will when he sees us out here.

Enter ANAKIN SKYWALKER.

YODA: You?! What are you doing here?

ANAKIN: I'm good now. I made it to the Afterlife.

YODA: You? Good? What are you talking about?

ANAKIN: I threw Palpatine down that shaft, didn't you know that?

OBI-WAN: So? That's IT?! One brief instant of righteousness, after all you did, and here you are-in the Afterlife with the likes of US?

ANAKIN: Okay, I'm sorry I betrayed you, Yoda, and I'm sorry I killed you, Obi-Wan.

YODA: AND????

ANAKIN: Okay, I'm sorry I betrayed my wife, murdered entire planets, tried to wipe out all of your armies, assassinated entire clans of Jedi, tortured thousands of people, and enslaved entire solar systems. But I DID kill the Emperor...you saw that, right? I threw him down that shaft after he shock-tortured my only son for several minutes. You're familiar with this story, right? You aren't being fair.

OBI-WAN: Fair? You want to talk fair? Crud, man, I never got any women, never had any fun, I ended up living on that stinking hellhole Tatooine just to protect your whiny son from you, you JERK! And now you—who had all the wild parties and caused everyone all that trouble— 

ANAKIN: I've gotta sit down.

OBI-WAN: Sit down? You putz, look right over there: The cameras are on us. Be a good example, at least in death. And why are you sitting down anyway—we're spirits, moron, we don't even get tired!

ANAKIN: (Imitates his breathing mask.)

YODA AND OBI-WAN: Stop that!

(QUI-GON JINN walks up.)

QUI-GON: What's happening, gentlemen?

ANAKIN: How are you, Qui-Gon?

QUI-GON: You! What are YOU doing here? Shouldn't you be getting poked in the ass by a pitchfork-wielding demon right now?

ANAKIN: (Rolls his eyes) No way. I threw Palpatine down that shaft, didn't anyone tell you guys?

QUI-GON: And?....

ANAKIN: And what?

OBI-WAN: You know why I tried so hard to embrace the Light Side of the Force in my life? I'll tell you: I did it because I always worried that if I did bad, I might end up being roommates with Anakin in Hell. Yet here he is.

ANAKIN: But I threw Palpatine down that shaft—

YODA: Drop it, Annie.

ANAKIN: But everyone here is aware that I grabbed Palpatine & threw him—

QUI-GON: {Walks away in disgust.}

YODA: Here comes Luke. Cameras are pointed towards us again, they are. Everyone smile pretty: Remember, we're in the Afterlife now....having a great time, we are. . . . . Anakin, get off your butt!

(BACK)

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